As I was coming back from lunch, there was a Moslem woman making a call on her cellphone.  It was the flip-phone variety and the odd thing was she wasn’t holding it.  She had tucked the open phone into her head scarf, making it look like the Largest BlueTooth Headset Ever while she was chatting away hands-free.  Chalk one up for ingenuity but take that point back for dorkiness.

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Speaking of lunch, I was getting my monthly fix of Chicago-style hot dogs and wanted to get rid of the single dollar bills I had and some quarters.  What I failed to incorporate in my initial calculation was the additional markup that onion rings (a spur-of-the-moment upgrade decision) have compared to a normal order of fries.  Now I only have 9 cents left, having already committed to a cash transaction rather than a credit/debit purchase.  So what’s the problem, you ask?  This leads to a lame tip, my friends!  Is it worth putting in a paltry nine cents in the tip jar?  Since they know the amount they gave you, I hated to even plop that in there but I had no use for 9 cents in my pocket either.  Making this even worse, the dude said “thank you”.  Ouch.

Now, some of you are saying “Why the heck do you even care?  They put that tip jar out there to try to score more money out of you.”  Well, I’ve always been a firm believer in tipping.  Most waitstaff makes less-than-jackshit so any extra cash is appreciated.  Add that on top of what The Man now deducts from tip income, and it’s a pittance these people take home.  You have to really fuck up an order to force me to give you less than 20 percent.

Of course, while I’m agonizing over a miniscule tip, I’m sure more than half the jerks who order there don’t tip ever.  But it really bothered me that I didn’t have a few bucks to toss in the tip jar.  My belly is satisfied but my conscience isn’t, especially since all the guys who work at this place are pretty cool when it comes to customer service.  Next time, guys, I promise.