There isn’t a year that goes by without hearing a story of how police nabbed wanted felons with the lure of free season tickets or some other get-something-for-nothing scheme.  I thought of this as I was at Comp USA for the third time in the past month.  They are closing all their stores in Georgia and the one by my work seems to be where they’re dumping all the other stores’ merchandise.  At first, the deals were 20-30% off and now most items are 50-70% off.  My discounted purchases have been nowhere near the amount of what some of my coworkers have purchased this month.  It's a Nerd Free-For-All in that store but it's also been very orderly as we Nerds respect each other's boundaries and don't want to make human eye contact - whether that be via the eye, limb or shoulder.

The point I’m trying to make here is if police ever wanted to round up a group of pasty-skinned middle-aged white guys, this would be the perfect venue to lure them to.  If a guy in I.T. is late on child support or alimony and won’t respond to calls, send him an email that an electronics store is going out of business and everything in the store is 80% off.  It’s almost as easy as luring a mosquito to one of those bug-zapping blue lamps.

You won’t get quite the mad rush as you would with those annual bridal gown sales where generally sane women lose their fucking minds as they elbow the brides-to-be next to them in order to buy a $3,000 dress on sale for $300.  Since a wedding only happens to people 3 or 4 times in their life, this wouldn’t be a good way to trap a female outlaw.  I could travel down the easy-to-navigate Sexist Street and say authorities could lure women in by offering free bonbons that burn calories, but everyone knows no such thing exists.

So, how to lure bad girls into the lair of law enforcement?  Do criminal women watch Oprah like the rest of the Hausfrau Nation does?  If so, maybe an invite to meet the Goddess of Cash would do the trick.  I still can’t grasp how she has such a stranglehold on the XX Chromosome Population.  Much like the unwritten Man Laws, there must be some law of nature that says if you have another hole just north of your anus, you have no choice but to like Oprah.

If they’re not TV watchers, then how do we catch them?  Tickets and backstage passes to a country music show?  This is where it’s hard to categorize female outlaws into one category.  With guys, there truly are simple unifying items we can be lured with – sex, beer, sports, electronics or any combination of those four.  With wanted women, you don’t know if they’re straight or butch, white/black/Hispanic (we’re leaving the Asian massage whores out of this, as they serve a vital part of our community in unclogging men’s "pipes"), like rock/rap/country – it’s really a crapshoot as how to entice a random group of criminal women.