Physical comedy has always been a staple of what makes people laugh, especially kids, but one constant remains true across all ages.  For whatever reason, shots to the male genitalia make everyone laugh.  Obviously one can understand why women laugh, as it must be amusing to see any guy, wussy or tough, fall like a collapsed deck of cards once the slightest unexpected pressure has been applied to the male groin area.

The mystery lies in why guys also laugh at this event.  As every living male knows, and has experience at least several excruciating times in his life, there are few things more painful than a shot to the balls.  That first shot of white light flashes across your eyes, then the utter feeling of sickness in the pit of your stomach, followed by breathlessness at the pain somehow doesn’t matter when it happens to someone else.  Yes, we all collectively wince a little bit and might audibly groan, but after that initial reaction, guys are laughing and pointing at the victim while he writhes on the floor in agony.  Even the “victim” will, after he collects his breath after 5 minutes or so, join in the laughter and merriment at his expense.  Meanwhile, that person’s balls are still gasping for dear life and wondering what the fuck just happened outside their cozy underwear tent.

Where would “America’s Funniest Home Videos” have been were it not for generations of videos that have recorded the moments for any given family when the male takes a shot to the cock?  The amount of times TV shows have shown the scrotum being kicked, whacked at, punched, kicked, bitten and any other FCC-approved War On Testicles is countless.

I have 3 short stories to tell involving this extreme pain – 2 acts against me and one I maniacally committed against someone else.  Probably the most pain I’ve been in was one of the first times I rode a 10-speed bike.  One of life’s crueler inventions is the straight bar that goes across all men’s bikes.  As I veered off into the neighbor’s grass as I was regaining my balance, I hit a 6-inch hole in the ground which caused me to be lifted off my seat and land directly on to the bike bar AKA The Ball Squisher.  I saw my 10 year life flash before my eyes right before I fell to the ground in utter agony, convinced my “boys” had been squished like when one pops bubble wrap.

The most pain involving my “sword” was when a basketball happened to hit the tip at the exact angle where it felt as though it was split at the end.  I was scared to even take a look, as I was sure it had opened up like a Chicago Red Hot once it is fully cooked and it split into fourths at the end.

The last story is one where I still smile at the recollection, probably because it was so out of character for me.  I was probably 8 or 9 and my family was at a friend’s house for dinner.  After dinner our parents started having boring adult talk so we went up to his parents room to watch TV.  We’re both on our backs, heads propped up on pillows, just killing time by watching a show and all of a sudden Satan takes over all muscular control of mine and forces me to take a roundhouse swing right into his man-fruit, all while laughing my ass off.  He gasped for air for about 10 seconds, in understandably utter shock at what I had just done, and then let out the loudest roar of pain and agony that you could imagine a young boy could make.  He was curled up in the fetal position, crying his eyes out due to the blinding pain I had just caused, and this whole time I’m laughing my ass off even when both sets of parents come up to see what happened.  My parents were so embarrassed we left immediately and I’ll never forget the look on his parents face as I couldn’t stop laughing.  Of course, it’s the quiet ones like me you always have to look out for, since our rage manifolds itself 10 times over when it does bubble to the surface.

The bottom line is we need to find an external part of a woman that we all can laugh at on home video when they’re whacked in that area.  Damn the female species and their hidden, internal genitalia.  And don’t give me that “Childbirth hurts” line you all spew.  For all we know, it could be a conspiracy by women to feign pain just to get our sympathy.