Let’s begin this exercise in declaring that I’m all for hygiene.  Being clean is a good thing.  Showers and baths are the cornerstone of our modern society.  Oral hygiene -- also good and absolutely necessary.  For those who have the discipline, it’s probably good to brush after meals instead of just at morning and night.  A slight kink comes into this plan when it involves the workday though. 

To brush your teeth at work implies you are using the faucets to wet your brush and rinse your mouth.  Here’s where the “brushing at work” theory becomes unattractive to me.  We’re all familiar with our work restrooms and while they’re a few steps up from a truck stop restroom or a porta-potty at Bonnaroo, it’s still a public repository for bodily functions.

These are the same faucets that someone might have inadvertently touched while trying to clean a stinkfinger after an unfortunate Thinner Than Expected Wad of Paper While Wiping incident.  Now the remnants of that event have been transferred to the faucet opening.  These fecal bits and pieces then get transferred to your toothbrush which then gets carried to your mouth.  You do the filthy math.

Yes, I might be oversimplifying it but as an obsessive person, minutiae get magnified in my overactive imagination.  There’s also the problem with the bathrooms here where you can’t control the water temperature.  There is one on/off tap for each sink and the water is generally lukewarm.  Lukewarm water to brush and rinse is not ideal, rather it only enhances the flavor of the fecal matter your toothbrush has picked up.

“So, James, what is the solution?” you ask.

Rinse your mouth with Everclear, thus ensuring no germs are left in your mouth.  Sure, your coworkers might talk about the stench of booze on your breath but you have to ask yourself the follow-up question “Is the mindless chattering of nosy coworkers less of an issue than other people’s poop in your mouth?”

I think you know the answer.