I try not to succumb to most marketing schemes but food descriptions sometimes really get to me, especially when hungry.  This is why, as a general rule, I don’t go to the grocery store on an empty stomach, otherwise I’ll come home with stuff I would normally never eat.  Sure, Rachel Ray on the cover of a rosemary-and-olive-oil Wheat Thin box might be intriguing to buy when your stomach is growling but when you actually bite into one of those salt-on-top-of-salt-deerlicks you wonder to yourself “I wouldn’t eat this even if I were drunk”.

On a quick side note, this might be surprising to some of you but I can’t understand the backlash against Rachel Ray.  There are a lot of snarky bloggers who live to detest her every move but I am absolutely not one of them.  So what if she uses cutesy words like “delish” and “EVOO” (for extra virgin olive oil)?  If there’s someone on the Food Network who you want to hate, try Bobby Flay.  That smarmy bastard became my enemy forever when he pissed off Iron Chef Morimoto by standing on top of his cooking area after the competition was over and hooting and hollering like he was at a drunken rube at a college football game.  He came off as such an ugly American and that’s not the only time he’s looked like an ass.  And if you want another Food Network icon to diss, try Mr. Emeril Lagasse, who has become a caricature of himself and has phrases that are just as tired as Andrew Dice Clay’s.  Long live Rachel Ray, not to mention she’s much easier on the eyes than those I'm-Irish-But-I-Cook-Southwestern-Style and I'm-Cajun-but-I-have-an-New-York-accent dipwads.

Back to the subject at hand, here is a description from the Trader Joe’s flyer of the strawberries they are selling.  This is one of THREE paragraphs they use to describe this flavorful, yet common, berry.

“…did you know that our organic strawberries are among the most flavorful berries we’ve ever tasted?  That’s right, positively bursting with flavor, not to mention, Vitamin C.  Maybe it’s the California sunshine or perhaps the healthy organic soil.  Or, quite possibly it’s the organic methods used to cultivate and grow these beauties.  Most likely, though, it’s a combination of all these things that make these red sweeties so tantalizingly delicious.  Try them as a snack, on your favorite breakfast cereal or with a dollop of fresh whipped cream for a delectable dessert.”

Now let’s flip a few pages and read the Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli description.

“These are beautiful little pillows of pasta – belli piccolo cuscini in Italian – filled with freshly picked spinach and hand-selected ricotta, mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses.  This is truly a case where simple and delicious go hand in hand.  You can serve them with your favorite pasta sauce – red, white or even pink – or just drizzle them with a touch of extra virgin olive oil for a marvelous main course in about five minutes.  Add a garden salad and a loaf of warm, crusty bread and it’s an entire meal in no time at all.”

How about a bland item such as Frosted Vanilla Shredded Bite Size Wheats?  Here is one of two paragraphs they give.

“Just so we’re clear, this is not some kind of bland-tasting I-should-eat-this-just-because-it’s-good-for-me-cereal.  This is an oh-my-goodness-I-love-this-cereal kind of cereal.  Frosted with vanilla and sugar, each bit of mini shredded wheat is bursting with flavor and good crunch.  It even stays crunchy in milk – well, not forever, of course.  Plus, Trader Joe’s Frosted Vanilla Shredded Bite Size Wheats make a great snack as well as a bountiful breakfast.”

Imagine what these writers could do if they were given a chance to write slutty novels or car commercials.  I've gotta tip my cap to them.