At the movie theater last night, I found out how it must feel to be a cat when the vacuum is turned on. After doing the obligatory Empty Your Bladder No Matter How Little Is In It Prior To Seeing A Movie So You Don’t Have To Go During The Movie function, I washed my hands and proceeded to the hand dryer. Now, most hand dryers are monuments to inefficiency. Some barely spit out more air than those cheap AA-battery-powered handheld fans you see people with sometimes. Others don’t belch out warm air while others are scalding hot and cause you to recoil your hand.
The one at Hollywood Regal 24, though, was a beast unto itself. I’ve come to appreciate the motion-sensitive machines which allow you the freedom of not touching what thousands before you have. But the motion sensor wasn’t why I’m writing about this. As I waved my magic hand under the Xlerator on the wall, the first thing I noticed was the sound. If it’s possible to have a jet engine sound reproduced inside a room with tiled floors and walls, this was it. I’ve never been to a playoff game in the Metrodome or any other stadium known for its noise, but this was right up there in terms of decibels.
Tentatively, I placed one hand underneath the Airstream Of Death and the water displaced from my hand faster than a group of hookers on a streetcorner when they see The Fuzz driving by. Within 10 seconds, both hands were dryer than a nun’s love canal.
It’s not like I’m wowed by common technology that everyone knows about. This isn't a case like when Bush Sr. was made fun of when he saw a barcode scanner for the first time at a grocery store while on the campaign trail. No, it was more a case of fear as to why they’d place an item that could blow away a small child if left unattended and splatter that little mouthbreather right up against the urine-encrusted tile wall. Then again, maybe that’s not exactly a bad thing to happen.
Of course, with no hand towels in sight my hand became contaminated immediately upon touching the door handle. Why can’t the doors be push-only when exiting an bathroom? I don’t need pee with my popcorn thankyouverymuch.