What is your “trigger” for going to bed when you don’t have a set time, such as on the weekend?  For those of us employed at a regular Monday-Friday job, we usually have a set time frame when we normally retire for the night.  This can be stretched at times for certain things such as playoff games, which are a bitch if you’re a sports fan in the Eastern time zone.  When it comes to the weekend though, do you immediately retire to the bed after an evening out?  Is it when your significant other sends you a verbal or physical “Wanna play with each other’s genitals” signal? 

If you happen to be home and watching something on TV, what is that cutoff point?  Is it the end of a movie on DVD?  Is it the end of a show?  Is it when you finally come to the realization that the show you’re watching simply won’t be getting better and you decide that sleep is a better option?  Or do you retire when the cold medicine or prescription pills kick in?  Is it when you stand up to use the restroom after a night of drinking and realize you can no longer make a beeline for the bathroom because of your alcohol impairment?  Or are you one of those people who passes out on the couch (drunk or sober) for a few hours and you wake up, disoriented, wondering if the Jimmy Kimmel show is still on and realizing the TV is now blaring a 3:30 AM infomercial?

This thought came to me this past Saturday night when, in a rare moment of non-DVR-related TV watching, I realized it would actually be more entertaining to try to fall asleep than watch what was available at the moment.  It felt like the proverbial “tapping out” signal a wrestler gives when he’s admitted defeat.  I wasn’t mad or disappointed or anything like that; it was simply an immediate feeling of “This day is over - no questions asked.”

Now that I’m officially able, age-wise, to run for President (not that I would with all those pictures of me some of you have, just waiting for me to run for public office, GOD I HATE YOU ALL, kidding, vote for me, just leave the pictures in storage), it’s interesting to see the evolution of sleeping.  You start as an infant where sleeping is Your Job.  Then you become a toddler and you fight sleeping with all your might.  This lasts until you’re a teen and you fight sleep, at least until daylight hits.  College comes along and you then start to fight sleep with illicit drugs.  This continues on through your early 20s where seeing how many days you can show up to work hung over is a contest among friends and other young coworkers.  Falling asleep at that age happens only after a heavy night of drinking, drugs, sex, or if you’re lucky, a combo of all three.

Once the thirties creep up, if you’re not already a parent, you start to go to be VOLUNTARILY, on a regular basis!  Of course once a kid comes into the picture, you sneak in sleep whenever possible.  Now, I can only venture to guess the next stages since I haven’t hit these yet but here are my conjectures with these milestones:

40 – Midlife crisis time is dealt with through self medication of alcohol and pills.  It’s passing-out time again.

50 – Kidney stones and other ailments keep you awake at night, thus forcing you to try to get to sleep early to pre-empt some of the lost sleep time at night screaming while you try to pee.

60 – Goddamnit, now it’s the grandkids sleeping over at your house to start the Lost Cycle of Sleep all over again.

70 – Dinner at 4 PM, followed by 8 PM bedtime.  Gotta see as many sunrises as possible before you kick the oxygen habit.

80 – Where am I and who are these strangers bathing me?