I need to make an addendum to an old post about grocery store line etiquette.  After waiting a longer-than-should-be-expected time in the “Express” Lane yesterday, I was fuming internally even though I wasn’t in a rush to be anywhere.  Let’s add some rules for the Express Lanes.

DO NOT ask for a price check in the Express Lane, especially if there are people behind you.  This forces the cashier to leave their station while they try to confirm that the store is indeed gypping them of 20 cents.  Suck up the loss and move forward.  If you’re a debater of prices, move to the normal aisles where that practice is more readily accepted.  We’re in the Express Lane because we want fast service.  Far be it from me to stereotype, but this new rule will almost certainly exclude elderly women from this aisle.  I’m not sure if this is the highlight of your day, contesting multiple item prices in line, but do it in a regular lane.  I sympathize if you’re on a fixed income but please stay out of the Express Lane so the rest of us can buy our beer and chunks of meat in an expedient fashion.

This applies to both the customer and cashier, but extended conversations are NOT encouraged in the Express Lane.  It’s bad enough that this insidious practice exists in almost every grocery store in the South but there needs to be a line of demarcation.  Before you hang me up by my fingernails as an Insensitive Yankee Bastard, please consider the fact that I do expect a minimum conversation.

Accepted phrases:

"Hello, how are you doing?"

"Did you find everything you needed?"

"Do you have any coupons?"

"Do you want cash over?"

"Paper or plastic?"

"Thank you for shopping. Have a great day" (to which I will reply “You too”).

If you are in the Express Lane and the cost of your purchase is THREE FRICKIN’ DOLLARS AND FORTY FIVE CENTS, do not use a check to purchase your items.  This is what debit cards are for.  God help you if you don’t have at least the name of the store and the date already populated on your check.  This is the Express Lane, people, and writing manuscript while the rest of us wait for you to complete your 19^th century-style transaction method isn’t the way to win the unspoken approval of your line mates.

Coupons, while frowned upon, can be used but make sure you have them ready.

A few more checkout lane observations:

While I don’t mind if people are over the supposed limit for that Express Lane (say 12 in a 10-items-or-less lane), I can’t help but manually count what people place on the conveyor belt.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this, as we like to reassure ourselves of our adherence to the Grocery Store Rules (whatever they may be).

One thing I’ve noticed, especially at Target since they use the type of card reading machines that let you sign your name with an electronic pen, is that there are lots of pen marks on the electronic signing area.  As you’re tapping on the touch pad to complete your transaction, at what point do you switch from the electronic stylus provided with the machine to a real pen?  Do you not notice that The Future is now The Present and ink is not a necessary component of credit card transactions anymore?

I'm getting worked up again just thinking about these violations.  I need to go to the store and get a bottle of Excedrin.  Since it's one item, I hope the Express Lane is moving as it was intended to.