Note to those not familiar with me – this is written strictly tongue-in-cheek. I would never sell my daughters to the highest bidder…unless it was a really insane offer that we couldn’t refuse.
To: Allison and Kathryn
Date: Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Re: Reduction In Family
Dear Allison and Kathryn,
According to our latest round of financial record-keeping and forecasting, it is with regret that we have to announce a Reduction In Family. While we love the both of you as much as humanly possible, you both are simply taking us to the poor house quicker than expected.
Kathryn, with your sensitive stomach that requires the most expensive of all formulas out there, this is simply a cost we cannot bear anymore. In addition, your sensitive skin’s requirements of us having to buy very expensive laundry detergent are also a cost the Kirkpatrick Executive Group has deemed expendable. Even with your wonderful smile that is impossible to refuse, the fact that this smile is made between the hours of 2 and 5 AM on a nightly basis has drained your parents’ mental and physical resources.
Allison, you are our firstborn and we love you dearly for that. Your insistence on attending a Montessori school prior to kindergarten though is another cost deemed expendable. Sure, you can pour water from one vessel to another and your linguistic skills are amazing for your age but guess what? Mommy and Daddy can do the same things you can, thus those skills have been deemed Redundant.
We love you both but, in lieu of the premium we can get for two white girls on eBay, it all comes down to finances. Your refusal to get a job, despite the fact that you are 4 ½ years old and the other is almost 6 months old really is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You two are like a mobile version of Disneyland – sure it might be fun but the days are long and the financial costs are unreasonable for a 365-day fiscal year.
Since we are not ogres, we will be offering you a severance package. You are allowed to take any clothes and toys (purchased by us, of course – notice a trend?!) that will fit in the Federal Express package we ship you in. We will give you a food stipend for the next two months in order not to scare your new family and avoid them realizing what kind of financial bind they just assumed.
Love you lots. Keep in touch. Send us pictures as you grow.
.........
After careful reconsiderations after our first draft, we’ve decided to keep you for three reasons. One is our expectations that you will support US once we return to the Soft Food / Diaper Wearing portion of our lives. Two – Your value to us as a line item deduction on our taxes makes up for the fact that you might be sassy from time to time. Three – I CAN’T WAIT TO WAKE YOU BOTH UP AT THE CRACK OF 10AM WHEN YOU ARE TEENAGERS!!!