Sometimes forwarded joke emails hit a bit too close to home.  I got one from a friend the other day and it was your standard “You know you’re old when…”  As I finished the list of 25, I realized “Holy mackerel, even though I’m laughing at these because I can relate, am I now becoming so lame that these are almost all things that are true to us 30-something-plussers?”

Let’s go down the list that was sent to me and you can make a mental checklist for yourself as to whether you’re still “with it”, getting older, or a downright fuddy-duddy who shakes his fist in the air at anything new.  For those of you in my age group (you know who you are), prepare to be shocked at how much you have in common with this list.  My comments are in italics.

1 – Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.

This triggered a memory of a party I attended about a year out of college at a coworker’s apartment in Chicago.  We were in the backyard teaching a keg a lesson and I noticed that in the cracks of the cement sidewalk that led to the fence facing the back alley, there were some baby plants about 4 to 6 inches tall that looked like the sticky icky we knew so well in college!  I’m not sure if these plantings were on purpose or random offshoots of a mother plant located elsewhere but it definitely was a weed they should have trimmed prior to inviting 30 people to their house.

2 – Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

Even more impressive in college was the bed lofts we had in the fraternity house where a 6-foot tall person barely fit and there was about 2 feet of clearance from the bottom of the mattress to the ceiling.  But that’s not a deterrent when you’re a horny college student.  My 6'5" fraternity brothers can attest to how hard it was to sleep in those coffins, much less attempt hanky panky in them.

3 – You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 

So true!  Back in college (and a few years out of college) the majority of what was in my fridge was beer, pickles, mayo, bologna, and usually something manly/artery-clogging like a package of brats.  Then again, I do have a beer fridge in my garage currently although it also contains bottled water and soda.

4 – 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

Until I had kids, this was true.  Now that wakeup time can be anywhere from 2 AM on.

5 – You hear your favorite song in the elevator. 

I haven’t experience this yet but I have been shocked at hearing covers of songs on the radio that I grew up with, which were at the time covers of an even older version.  If I ever hear Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child Of Mine" in Musak form in the elevator, I will promptly leave the office and head to the nearest bar to drown my sorrows.

6 – You watch the Weather Channel. 

Oh, youbetcha!  Not only do I watch the Weather Channel, I have it bookmarked in my browser.  Am I the only one who wants this channel in high definition?  I would love to see one of those sad sack reporters who have to stand in a hurricane display their misery to me in high definition.

7 – Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”. 

Ahhh, remember the Walk of Shame?

8 – You go from 130 days of vacation to 4. 

Reality hit me early as a child when, on my first day in high school, I came across the hard realization that there was no recess anymore.  Fast forward to my first summer out of college and not only is there no summer break anymore, when I did my 401K planning and had to hear the HR lady tell me about “42 years from now…” was as sobering a moment as any I can recall.

9 – Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”. 

This will actually be addressed in my blog in the very near future.

10 – You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

I don’t mind neighborly parties but I do get agitated now but solely because I don’t want my daughters woken up.

11 – Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

This is one that I thankfully have yet to experience.  THANKFULLY.

12 – You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.  

But I do hope that the Hardees in Peoria that we would frequent when our blood alcohol level was elevated still changes its sign at 3 AM from dinner to breakfast.

13 – Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 

I am perfectly fine with this.  You young kids and your dangerous driving – you all can Go Screw.

14 – You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

Can’t relate, although I doubt I would have fed a dog fast food.  If you’re feeding your dog leftovers from McDonald’s, I hope that dog plants his fat ass on your lap and it breaks your pelvis.

15 – Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

Holy cow this is getting truer ever passing year.

16 – You take naps. 

I consider a Nap more precious than gold at this stage in my life on the weekends.

17 – Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

This is the one that got me thinking about writing this blog entry.  This one hits a bit too close to home!

18 – Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

Not applicable…yet.  Wings at 3 AM sound good but at this stage in my life it wouldn’t be to drown out my drunken munchies.  It would be to eat in front of my 6-month old so she knows how much it sucks to watch someone eat at that time of the morning.

19 – You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

Sadly, my visits to CVS are for my kids’ medicines and my asthma medication.  Thank you, Atlanta air!

20 – A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty good shit”. 

Trader Joe’s is the exception.  For beer though, this couldn’t be truer for me.

21 – You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 

For time reasons, this usually only happens on the weekend, unless you consider a breakfast bar to be a legit breakfast.

22 – “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.” 

A glass of water every 2 beers helps, people, trust me.  Hydration is KEY.

23 – 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

I’m not that perplexed about this since That Computer and Those Internet Tubes pay the bills.

24 – You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

Actually this is the exact opposite for me.  But this was definitely the rule in college.

25 – When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

The proper answer now to your buddies who knock up their lady friends is “Wow, you STILL have swimmers?  Are you sure it’s yours?!”

BONUS – You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.  Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.  And now you know why I am forwarding this to you…

Or you write a blog entry about it to show the few items on this list that don’t apply to you but it still doesn’t make you feel better.