James Kirkpatrick's Not-So-Random Keyboard Strokes

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Posted by: James	8/26/2008 12:03 PM
This blog is a window into my head and partially into my family life. For many reasons, I have kept secret the fact that we have taken a pounding financially in the past year due to a myriad of reasons, most of them unforseen. The most frustrating part of it all is that we are blessed with two awesome and healthy daughters, two good paying jobs and we don’t live beyond our means. That being said, the combination of events (which I simply won’t get into here) has left us reeling in a way that is frustrating as hell and I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel before I lose my goddamned mind. Before I get blasted with a “you’re just being a whiny bitch” group of comments, let me expand. The question I’m trying to find out the answer to is how does one achieve the dream of not being beholden to anyone financially without residing in one of the following categories? Trust fund baby (Lucky Sperm Club) Striking it rich by luck via an IPO or winning the lottery Work your ass off for 100+ hours a week but be a negligent family man I pride myself in pulling myself up from my very poor roots in Detroit (details which I also refuse to go into detail in a public forum) and having the financial wherewithal to give my daughters (along with the hard work of my wife) a life that is comfortable but not spoiled; one where they will hopefully appreciate what it takes to bring home a dollar and the work ethic involved in doing that the right way. But how do I get to a point where they won’t have to be like Megan and I and take out oppressive student loans and flounder for money on those long pay periods where there are 3 weekends between paychecks the first few years out of college? I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to learn to scrape by since it makes you appreciate what you’ve accomplished when you get beyond that point later on in life but I’d like for my children to not be reduced to making compromising decisions based on an ill-informed, desperate bid to make money in life. While we all can agree money is NOT the “be all to end all”, it sure as hell makes life easier. Yes there are other things to worry about when you do become successful, but as someone who grew up at the bottom of the economic ladder, I can tell you with certainty that while scraping for cash might build character, it’s also a shitty way to exist. There was no shortage of love in our house but love didn’t put food on the table. The key is to finding that balance. I’ve yet to get there. But my family will live a less extravagant life and actually see their dad/husband during the work week. If that means they have to take out what will hopefully be a mini-loan for college, then so be it.

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Re: Family and Financial balance	By Deanna on 8/26/2008 12:06 PM
I'm 38 and still living paycheck to paycheck. Struggling to get by working 70+ hours a week. Let me know when you find the answers cause I can sure use some myself! Then again, it's my own fault for starting my own business again at age 36!

Re: Family and Financial balance

By James on 8/26/2008 12:20 PM

But you're pursuing your dream and that is admirable in itself. I think we all agree to the "short term pain, long term gain" philosophy if it's something you're truly passionate about. You could just be sitting on your ass but you're not. You're contributing to society and hopefully in the long term a comfortable life will follow. Not to mention a lot of people with a lot less back pain and other physical maladies. :)

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Erich on 8/26/2008 12:42 PM

As someone who until last year had been reduced to being the stereotypical 35 year old living in his parent's basement, I wish I had the answers you seek my friend. I never imagined when I was in college that 14 years after graduation that I would *just* now be making some headway in getting out of debt and finding a job which could be a "career." But then again, no one can predict being laid off twice in the past 8 years either. But enough about me, my only advice here is to not get down about your situation (this is coming from someone who has been treated for depression mind you). I honestly envy the fact that you have built a great little life for yourself so far....Megan is a perfect match for you and your daughters are beautiful and are lucky to have a pair of caring parents with good heads on their shoulders. You have a really nice place to live (albeit in the south) and have the kind of skill set that many employers look for, and you're healthy to boot. But most of all you have a large number of friends who all love you and your family (insert punch to the arm here to reassert my staunch record of heterosexuality) and are willing to lend a hand, ear or shoulder anytime you need it! Hugs and kisses - Erich

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Deanna on 8/26/2008 2:07 PM
Well said Erich, I second that.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Tim V. on 8/26/2008 4:06 PM

James, assumably being one the few in this blog that knew you in your youth, you have come an awfully long way from your humble beginnings and you should be proud of that - very proud, even if the waters get a bit muddy every once in a while. Your glass, as Erich so eloquently pointed out, is well more than half full - focus on that and that baggage you carry won't feel as heavy. Having said that, you are still a whiny bitch.....

Re: Family and Financial balance	By JD on 8/26/2008 4:24 PM
I'm sitting on me arse...cuz I'm readin' the Kirkpatrick Blog... ba da dum!

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Muuurph on 8/26/2008 7:43 PM

Hate to break it to you, but you're a whiny bitch. Not living beyond your means? How much do you spend every month on "have to have" HDTV? You telling me you won't be buying the Center Ice package? How about those I phones? Can't live without a regular cell phone (Or god forbid, no cell)? What about the gourmet coffee and $10/4 pack beer you have to drink? How many car payments do you have? I'd say you have many things you could do without. I'm sorry if you think you're having financial problems, but shit man take a look at reality. You are the definition of living beyond your means. I'm guessing you could shave $200 off your monthly expenses real easy. I do think it's pretty funny you're blogging about financial problems less than a month after buying not 1, but 2 I-phones. I dare you to call your mom and complain. All that being said, I'm also a whiny bitch who is struggling with the balance. Truth be told I likely wouldn't be working at my job if I didn't have a family to support. I'd likely be doing something more, uh, "liberal". Wouldn't it be nice to have the option of just walking away from you job on a shitty day? But I'm not complaining, I made the bed, shit in it, and will live with the consequences. ........................................................................................................ BTW, Erich, you are a loser who apparently has homo-sexual tendencies. Ha-Ha. P.S. Can you tell I've been up since 4 CT and am sitting in the ATL airport watching my flight get delayed, and delayed, and delayed.... Thank God for Grey Goose.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By James on 8/26/2008 7:52 PM

I can't let those comments go unanswered. The iPhones were purchased as a result of an application required for Megan to work with. After hours on the phone with TMobile support and RIM (Blackberry) support to no avail, we had no choice but to switch to a phone that had the capability to run that app. Since we're on a family plan, we both had to switch. As for the HDTV channels, 10 extra bucks a month isn't breaking the bank. Coffee bags, while $10, last a full week at work and we all chip in so I'm only buying that once every 2 months. The few times I do go to a store to get it, I only order a small black, the cheapest one available. The Center Ice package is less than taking the family to one Thrashers game during the season. We are NOT living beyond our means.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/26/2008 7:56 PM
Dammit Murph, you got me fucking worked up. You, along with most Delts, should know I'm not a whiny bitch. And for fuck's sake, I live in the goddamned South (temporarily) where the cost of living is a helluva lot cheaper than Chicago. C'mon, give me a break for one goddamned day.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/26/2008 8:03 PM
I missed one. The $10 4-packs of beer are drunk sparingly. One of those can last an evening, much like a glass of wine. Since I rarely go out (maybe to the bars 3 or 4 times a year tops, honest to God), I save a helluva lot money by drinking better, drinking less, and doing it at home where I'm not behind a wheel in a car-centric city.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By The General on 8/26/2008 8:04 PM

When I get down, I like to look to metropolitan freight carrier vehicles for inspiration. But hey, that's just me. I'm sorry for your recent struggles. As you mentioned, you know what it's like to truly lack financial means, so you should and do appreciate what you have more. But I think what goes with that perspective is a more prevalent fear than most folks of somehow going back to that situation. As you recounted, and as you can tell from what your long-time friends like Erich & Tim have written, you have a great deal for which to be thankful.... I don't have the answer to achieving the dream, either. I generally make gobs of money but I'm rarely home, so I'm still working out that happy medium also. I do have two things going for me; like you I was dirt poor (literally-grew up on a farm), so I cherish everything I have now. And secondly, I have the benefit of not being particularly bright, so I'm able to cushion the blows with a strong (albeit potentially naive) faith in God, country, and good things always - always - happening to good people eventually... find a way to avoid student loans for the girls - academics, sports, the Kalamazoo Promise, something. That's a big hole to avoid falling into in a young adult's life. Avoiding it saved me and got me started right. I wish you well.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/26/2008 8:21 PM
General, don't forget your other talent. The ability, for many consecutive years now to make me (and others) smile every frickin' time you put your thoughts to an email or blog post. :)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Erich on 8/27/2008 9:41 AM
You could always have the girls work their way through college the way most southern girls do now-a-days....Ally - Stripper pole, Stripper-pole - Ally. Either that or maybe she can star in Girls Gone Wild - Freshmen 2021 and get a T-SHIRT!!! (ie - your worst nightmare) :)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 8/27/2008 11:39 AM
Money may not be the "be all to end all," but I agree with you that it does help. Let my grandfather rest in peace- he was a poor immigrant with no education, and always told me "Rich or poor, it's good to have money!"

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 8/27/2008 12:06 PM
Erich really struck a chord- forget about being southern- When I was living in Lansing, there were college girls making over $1,000 per night- and that's cash- And since no alcohol is allowed, (hence few nude bars in MI, most are only topless) they were considered safe places to work. That's more than most attorneys make-

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/27/2008 12:07 PM
There is the #1 rule for fathers of daughters - keep your girls off the pole. Everything else is secondary.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By KB's on 8/27/2008 1:17 PM

I was originally going to send a PM to James, but decided to post it here instead....... This is a very heartfelt and I imagine hard post. We have a similar situation as you. We are making pretty good money, but we are still paycheck to paycheck with an ever trickling debt that rises. We are by no means living an extravagant lifestyle. We both have 10+ year old payed off cars and a modest house. On the less frugal side, we like good food (no restaurants, only from the grocery store), we have Montesorri for Kyra, and now a nanny for Nico two days a week (so that I can actually work and bring in money). We go through waves of frustration about the budget, but still keep plugging away. I wish years ago that my parents would have sat me down and given me a proverbial slap in the head to not take out so many student loans and give me four slaps for using credit cards so recklessly. I am still paying for both of those and will for a long time. I have found the wisdom of a financial guru named Dave Ramsey, to be very helpful in my financial consciousness. He is on XM, so tune him in. He has a question/answer talk show that talks about peoples finances. Sometimes it is inspiring to look at what can be done and sometimes it is inspiring in the Jerry Springer kind of way.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Lengthy guess who - now with even more elipses! on 8/27/2008 10:14 PM

Oh my dear - a difficult posting. But your family is solid and intact. Warm and loving. I also think and believe that your balance is what matters as well as the continuing struggle to balance. You are physically and mentally available and that is everything that there is to your three girls. That is what will be there and what *is* there and what will persevere no matter what - the spirit of your togetherness, if you will. They can count on you and you on them. That said. If you are looking for an action plan you must make one - here are some ideas. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... As a human animal I don't think you should deny yourself the tiny things that make life right and special and lovely and bearable for you - six packs or coffee or what have you ...here it is... "but". But, if you need to work to find someplace to start saving for college educations the savings are usually found only in the margins. .................................................... Do not spend your IRS refund, that is a regular savings/investment for your kids' college. .............................................. Why do you need (really sit down and be serious) why do you need your television at all?! Other than netflix /video gaming (you can order TV series) and you can see some TV shows online...sports highlights online. Why is the answer to the challenge tossed out above: "It only costs $xxx extra" instead of "Hmmmm - you know, we pay $75 a month, I wonder how much $900 a year would earn if I have 12 years to make it work for me in the college fund"?? Go without it immediately after hockey season and commit for a 2-3 month period. How soon do you want to get right down to it (?) - the sooner you start the sooner you can 'relax' to a higher degree. Spend the spare time planning meals and cooking together and figuring out how to save more around the edges - see below. ................................................... Same thing next here - you all deserve every break possible...(but). When I was growing up (wasn't it the same with you?) we never went on a hotel vacation. Never stayed in a roomed place, not once, and when we did get out of town we always camped and fished - I still love it - you guys might not, but the point is take a shorter 'great' trip and later take a camping type of trip and BANK that difference for the margin and the growth. If the wife hates camping go on a shorter trip (less cost! ;^). Or take that great trip every other year (?) - but put that 'unspent' money in the college fund. ............................................................ Whether or not you are personally amenable, grow food. Lettuce is easy and healthy and you should be able to grow something some season anyhow (maybe even two or three seasons) that will supplement your diet and give you a great miracle-of-growth activity, most kids love to garden. You'll have to invest in soil/amendments/tools/seeds - if it's a small patch, or box or 4'x4' above ground container - it's easy (not too time consuming) and not expensive and it is fresh, organic salad that you pick. It is all good. ..................................................... Do you share rides to work? ........................................ Do you buy in bulk &/or when any favorite or valued item is on sale? If roasting chickens are on a fabulous sale do you buy as many as you're allowed - freezing the extras? If you don't you should and storage along with planning is all you'd have to worry about - separate topic. ..................................... Do you have meatless meals one or more times a week? They're less expensive and most likely healthier, too. Do you plan your weekly meals ? Do you plan the week's meals based on the specials being advertised that week and how you can use the leftovers (chicken w/ pasta, chicken soup/casserole?) .............................................................................................................................................................................................. Or take the IRS refund and drop it on your largest interst-% bearing debt along with the margin and P.S. kill your credit cards. Period. Keep them (for example) frozen in a block in the freezer - don't carry them do not use them. Credit cards are a curse if they're not paid off in their entirety, but whichever has the highest rate - you kow to work it down as hard as you can for a few years until it pales and then turn your sights to the college fund. After that the retirement fund -on top of the IRAs at work - because in 30-35 years your kids might not be sending you a few hundred every month, and you probably wouldn't want them to do that anyway. ........................................... The only answer is no answer, the only answer is persistence with no large payout at the end - you knucklehead non-trust fund baby. It's all about the work we do and not freaking quitting and repreSENTing the middle class. The workers. Labor Day weekend IS me, baby. I'm going to get something sinful and lemony to drink now and enjoy my apartment. It is a gorgeous evening and it was a beautiful beautiful day. Love you James, and your friends are pretty kick-ass too. Sighhhh long weekend ahead, and then ... the usual grind!!!! Wheeeee....I do love life, and we do all work hard at it. Hug your kids.

Re: Family and Financial balance

By James on 8/28/2008 8:53 AM

Syl, to answer some of your questions - we actually do have a mini-"garden" out in back and have reaped some nice tomatoes as of late. Basil, sunflowers, chives and others are waiting for our consumption soon. We save a LOT of money by going to Trader Joe's - healthy frozen food (most of it organic) at super affordable prices. Great responses everyone - even you Murph - ya drunken southside good-for-nothin' White Sox fan! ;)

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Ian on 8/28/2008 10:09 AM

I find it very interesting Syl, how you comment "Why do we need television at all?" I didn't have television access at my place for a couple of years, but when people stayed at my place, including my parents, they complained and made fun of me. When Suzanne visited my place for the very first time, I went to the bathroom, and she called her friend on her cell phone and to ask if it she should continue the relationship because it made her "nervous" that I didn't watch t.v. She told me that "everyone" watches t.v. and has cable. So I caved in and purchased cable.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Erich on 8/28/2008 12:33 PM
Ian - ya shoulda told her that the "No TV" thing was the least of her worries and that the 27 bodies rotting in the basement were a little more of a concern... ;)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 8/28/2008 3:48 PM
LOL-nice try Erich, but she wouldn't believe me because I don't have a basement:(

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Erich on 8/28/2008 4:32 PM
Notice no denial of the existence of the bodies.... :)

Re: Family and the farm

By Syl on 8/29/2008 9:56 AM

Make that garden...uh...well.....produce even more. Plant rotating red/green lettuce crops appropriate in your area (I forget, maybe three weeks between seedings) and you will really feel the benefit - it's not just for herbs anymore. Plant tons of tomatoes and can them - or as the country folks used to say, 'put them up'. It's not really that difficult and eating off of your shelves from your garden in winter is a(nother) joy. -----------------------------------------------------------........................................................---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ian - folks around here will brag that they don't have/watch a TV. It's sweet that you caved in to 'normal'... To cover, you could've just had some TV series on DVD playing before you served drinks and started to make out. You could've told your folks that they were addicted and why did they want you to share their filthy and expensive advertising needle?! (Hee! heckling the parents...whee!) Maybe some pretentious line: I prefer the simplicity of radio broadcasts so I can continue to actively -pick one- draw/write/create/work/clean/exercise/daydream/blog. Yes, I realize that "everyone" watched the Sopranos, but like James and the Harry Potter book, I avoided all mention of the 'last show' - this was difficult!- because we were renting the series instead - at an incredible savings if compared to subscribing to HBO for years, huge 'savings' in unspent cable fees.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 8/29/2008 11:25 AM
Yes, Syl, I've told my parents that they are addicts, but they insist that they love t.v. And Suzanne tells me that she learns a lot from t.v. shows. Started to make out? Isn't that something you wait until you are married to do;) I agree with you about radio broadcasts and exercising- so much simpler. Hmmm..maybe I belong in California. By the way, I've never watched the Sopranos:)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 8/29/2008 11:26 AM
And I've yet to read Harry Potter, so thanks to KB for mentioning the ending in the other blog:)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/29/2008 11:27 AM
Ian, if it makes you feel better his reply was tongue in cheek. :) You'll have to find out about Voldemort on your own!!

Re: Family and Financial balance

By Muuurph on 8/30/2008 12:05 AM

James: I was trying to get your ratings up., how'd I do?:) ............................................................................................................................. The balance is indeed tough and can be very frustrating. The toughest thing is you're trying to provide you family the very best financially while at the same time being the best dad you can be. I've worked out of the house for 8 years now (with varying amounts of travel) and the toughest part of that is knowing when and how to turn the switch for work off. Of course the worst par to fall of htis is you end up with not much time for yourself. On the other hand I've been reading some Larry McMurtry books (the Lonesome Dove series) and while "westerns" may not be everyone's bag, these stories about life on the edge of the frontier really helps you understand what struggling to survive literally means. The facts are we're more like the Romans complaining that there isn't enough wine for all of them, while not realizing the lead cups they're drinking from is helping the downfall of their civilization than we are like any people struggling for day-t-day survival. ........................................................................................................ OK, that's enough, the sound you now hear is the soapbox collapsing under my overweight lily-white ass.

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Muuurph on 8/30/2008 12:07 AM
Damn, I really need to check for typos before I hit <Add Comment>!

Re: Family and Financial balance	By James on 8/30/2008 9:09 AM
Murph, man, you hit the nail on the head with this sentence - "The facts are we're more like the Romans complaining that there isn't enough wine for all of them, while not realizing the lead cups they're drinking from is helping the downfall of their civilization than we are like any people struggling for day-t-day survival."

Re: Family and Financial balance	By sl on 9/3/2008 10:21 AM
Northern California welcomes all as they are... (Southern CA, however, would probably like you to first please have your nails manicured (clear is okay for guys), get that facial, purchase a BMW, and have your highlights done - follow up with fake tan application appointments and you're all set to blend in... Be sure to ask everyone you meet who their stylist is and if they'll 'take' you. Ha!)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By Ian on 9/4/2008 10:38 AM
My hairdresser always took care of me- thanks Dad :)

Re: Family and Financial balance	By shhhhh on 9/4/2008 11:05 AM
If you were female you would ask who their obviously talented plastic surgeon might be (he gives discounts on replacement sacks for breast implant referrals!)!

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