It’s time I call out certain behaviors within certain groups that need to end now.  I am calling out all colors of the skin spectrum today.

White women : At no point are you allowed to start a sentence with the word “Girlfriend” (pronounced “gurrl-fren”).  You are also now banned from saying “Oh no you didn’t” (pronounced “di-int”).  These two items are non-negotiable.  This will also hopefully reduce your head bobbing and weaving as if you were actually a black woman.  You're not Angela and you never had a groove to get back.

White guys : The handshake-clasp/thumb-thingy/frontward-hug thing that black guys do.  It works for them.  You?  Not so much.  Cease and desist.

Suburban kids of all races : Your days of throwing pseudo gang signs are over.  Must every picture you take contain you making those stupid, upside-down Spock symbols you see in music videos?  Guess what?  If you actually were plopped down in the middle of the ghetto you’d be too busy trying not to shit your pants to worry about whether or not you can throw the right sign.  Pay the dealer what you owe him for that dime bag, get back in your '2 Fast 2 Furious' car that daddy paid for and finish making my Sonic burger.  I’m freakin’ hungry so hurry up.

Black/Latino comedians : OK, OK, we get it, but is it possible to get through a set without ripping on white people?  Prove you have actual comic skills.  Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy perfected the art of ripping on whitey and we all laughed.  Now you’re just recycling old jokes.  Oh, and George Lopez, you have NEVER been funny.  You too, Carlos Mencia.

Anyone : Can we please end all “I don’t have anything against gays/blacks…some of my best friends are gays/blacks”.  If you revert to using this sentence, you DO have a problem with that specified group.   We can also include this line under the same umbrella – “I don’t care if you’re black, white, purple, green…”  WTF is that?  How about sticking to colors that people on this planet actually ARE?!  Purple and green?!  We have white, we have black, we have brown and we have yellow.  Yes, those aren’t true skin colors but you get the idea.  I'm not Peach and you're not Burnt Siena.  Crayola can only do so much.

Comedies based around family life : Hey script writers, here’s a novel idea – why not show the dad as someone who ISN’T a bumbling assclown?  We get it – Dad is dumb, Mom is a genius, the kids are also smarter than Dad.  Awesome!  Rinse, repeat, make new pilot.

Since I’m the one making the rules, I will allow white men to have one vice.  We love quoting movies.  Comedies and action movies tend to be the ones we refer to most.  If I have the urge to yell, in a Schwarzenegger voice “IT’S NOT A TUMOR”, bear with me.  It was the one saving grace from Kindergarten Cop.  Well, besides that adorable little ragamuffin who said “Boys have a penis.  Girls have a vagina.”

My demands are non-negotiable.