James Kirkpatrick's Not-So-Random Keyboard Strokes

Location: Blogs PaleBlueScot Slices of Life
Posted by: James	11/21/2006 5:26 PM
I have to write this entry as a cleanser to my conscience. There will be no naming of names, as I don’t want to denigrate the dead. A terrible thing happened to a guy I used to be a coworker with last week. From what the police can gather, he set fire to his apartment and then blew his brains out. He was in his late 40s and single. There are several possible explanations as to why he did this to himself. One is the easy answer of it being near the holidays and lonely people are more likely to off themselves during this time of year. The other explanation is a little more complicated and it brings up mixed emotions as to whether I should feel sadness (which I do) or relief (which I also do). The guy was nothing but nice to me but he was a tad introverted and clashed with several people. The part that set off alarm bells in my, and others, heads was how he seemed creepy with kids. Here’s where the hard part comes in, when all you have are hunches and not concrete proof. I’m not a spreader of rumors and gossip and this really steps into that realm. We were all convinced he had a predilection for young boys and that it was just a matter of time before he was caught. He was a coach for a young boys team (the sport will not be mentioned) and he was also a photographer. See where I’m going with this? Every interaction he had with boys had a sick undertone where his intentions did not seem pure. But there was never proof. I feel guilty even bringing the whole subject up but I wasn’t the only person who got these strong vibes from him. There are certain people you would never leave your kids alone with and he was a perfect example. So the second possible explanation is he killed himself because he was about to be found out. The problem is, if he never was a child abuser, then all this is rampant rumor mongering and does disservice to his memory. But if he truly was an offender, then the world is rid of one less bad person. There you have my quandary. There is genuine sadness that someone took his life but there are enough mixed emotions if he actually was what we all suspected he was. There is a third option too – a family member of a potential victim found out and framed his murder as a suicide. I really don’t know what is the proper emotion is since we’ll never know the truth.

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Re: An Uneasy Quandry	By J on 11/21/2006 6:05 PM
That's some fucked up shit!

Re: An Uneasy Quandry	By Muuurph on 11/21/2006 7:00 PM
Go with relief. No matter what he did in his life he wasn't a happy guy. So at the very least he ended his misery and possibly misery he inflicted on others. He chose to get out at this point. It may be sad that his life sucked so much that he made this choice, but at least now it's over. There how's that, do you fell better now?

Re: Rest easy (if deserved) Quandry

By Syl on 11/21/2006 8:22 PM

I can't go with funny first. Too damn bad. Listen James, the man had the gracious gift of this country's wide open free will -- that is why he blew his brains out. It was just the last of a series of life choices he made that became too much of a burden...for him. Leaving the people that cared about him in a freaking mess back here in life because suicide is the ultimate selfishness. Why bother with a fire? Really, why? I must wonder...

There is no quandry, clearly he wanted to be gone and so he chose to go - be happy for him and sad only for the people that cared about him. If I sound a callous or judgemental note, my good friends include a couple whose son committed suicide, another was a friend of someone at work. It's great for those that have moved on to their karmic reward. Otherwise it's exactly some fucked up shit.

Re: An Uneasy Quandry	By Syl on 11/21/2006 8:26 PM
Or he got the cancer/tumor diagnosis... Why the fire - that's creepazoid no matter what.

Re: An Uneasy Quandry	By TScavone on 11/22/2006 1:54 PM
I have always thought that suicide is the cowards way out. While it is sad the wake of pain that those cowards leave behind, perhaps we are all better off with out them.

Re: An Uneasy Quandry

By Muuurph on 11/22/2006 2:27 PM

I lost someone very close to me to suicide many years ago. It is impossible for me to think of that person in a bad way, although in the past I did.

What all of us need to remember is that suicide is not a rational act. The will to survive is the most basic instinct of all living things. So for us to try to judge it as being noble, cowardly etc. is an exercise in futility. A person who commits suicide is unbelievably confused and has lost touch with reality. I remember this person, right after an unsuccessfully suicide attempt, telling me what their life was like. This person told me that "I can't explain it, there's just a voice in my head telling me to kill myself". I do know this person was under TREMENDOUS pressure, most of it self-imposed because for the first time in their life, they couldn't handle schoolwork (they were trying Computer Engineering at U of Illinois). That was probably what sent them down the path to disaster, but the fact is this person had lost the ability to think rationally. So whatever someone does during the period just before suicide has to be looked at with the perspective that they had quite literally lost their mind. My guess is that guy set fire to his apartment to destroy any evidence that he ever existed. But of course that's a guess on my part, he may have been destroying incriminating evidence,been mad at the landlord, or may have thought the fire would ensure him eternal bliss for some reason. We'll never know for sure unless a note is found.

I don't remember the exact note left behind by the person I knew, but it started with "I don't want to sound too dramatic but I love you all". Think about that, they didn't want to sound too dramatic when they were about to do the most dramatic thing you can do.

My feelings are don't try to make sense of suicide, just hope too many other people aren't hurt by it.

Re: An Uneasy Quandry

By KB's on 11/22/2006 2:33 PM

Why the fire? Here's a theory. I can't really imagine the thought process in this guys head, but I have found if you look through another persons eyes, their acts usually make a certain amount of sense. The fire could be a symbolic act of his mental (or actual) misdeeds. He feels that he should burn in hell and that was his last desparate act that resembles control over himself and his temptations.

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